December 4-7 OR NO-WAY
I can’t remember if I’ve ever been on a cruise. A cruise seems like the kind of thing that I would remember, so I probably haven’t. Although, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve forgotten. For instance, every year I forget that my younger has a birthday. (Fortunately, this excuses me from ever having to buy him a present.) Now, however, I can remember with certainty that I have been on a cruise from Copenhagen to Oslo, and back again.
Marta suggested the idea nearly two months ago. Andy, she said, you are coming with me to the bank. I am? Yes, and bring 1000SEK. 1000SEK! Don’t worry; you’ll get 1 krona change. So, nearly two months later, I was on an ocean-liner. What an impressive ship! I travelled from Lund to Copenhagen in a bus with Can and John*. As our bus pulled into the harbour, we passed a small, pathetic, grubby boat. Like Titanic, my heart sank... No. That can’t be our boat! 1 krona saved for nothing! Then, as the greying sun descended on Denmark, the brilliant lights of The Spirit of Scandinavia illuminated the harbour. Like Titanic II: The Revenge, my heart rose. Later, I learned that the small, pathetic, grubby boat was sailing to Estonia. That seems about right.
Our cabins were on the lowest level—the fiesta deck. I was sharing with John, Marta, and Ulrike. Like gentlemen, John and I shot-gunned the top bunks. Our cabin was deceptively small. Deceptively because it was actually smaller than it appeared, and it appeared really small. Small places are usually a problem for me, because I’m so muscular. Fortunately, John is shaped like a linear equation, so between us we occupied two common or garden persons.
The boat was fantastically excessive, which is my favourite kind of thing. On the first night, Can, John and I treated ourselves to a private viewing of UP in the private cinema. It was a very pleasant man-date until five Danish toddlers seated themselves in the front row. UP is a beautiful film, although it does contain scenes that may frighten young children. During the frightening scenes, the children were comforted by their parents. Similarly, Can and John comforted one another. At least, that’s what I thought they were doing. Later that night, on the dance floor, we kept on with the force and didn’t stop ‘til we’d gotten enough.
The Spirit of Scandinavia pierced its way through the Kattegat Sea. There is nothing quite as frightening as leaning over the stern rail of a ship thinking, if I fell, no one would ever find me. The sea, churned white, dissolves into a cold, black desert. So this is how Kate Winslet felt. The land closed in on us, and suddenly we were in Oslo. We arrived at 9am. We departed at 4pm. Seven hours in Oslo = rain + a tiger + ice dancing + amigos + a royal palace - John + Munch + a scream + walking + statues + Barack Obama + fake Obama - Barack Obama + phone + music + Burger King - 100NOK + cold hands. (Also, Oslo > Copenhagen, but Stockholm > Oslo.)
I don’t recall what I ate for dinner the second night. I do, however, recall learning a new drinking game, although not the actual drinking game. And then... My new camera is amazing; I explore the ship—swimming pool, duty free shops, restaurants, cafes, bars, cinema; Bailey’s, goes down smooth; David ties his shoelace, and a dance is born; outside the wind is how-oo-ling; I am Jack Dawson; DJ lethal plays the same song twice; my head spins; the Spanish inquisition; in my cabin, at last, I close my eyes. A moment later, it is morning, and someone is hammering the door.
During the night, someone stole a pair of shoes from the boutique, and vandalised the cabins. The captain, if that’s what she was, was not happy, so she interrogated us (us = 150 Lund University students). We were detained in the Heaven-11 bar, which is also a gaol in the morning. You will not be leaving until the person/persons responsible is/are held responsible. Fortunately, crime never pays, and an hour later, we were back in Lund.
Incidentally, my new shoes didn't come with a receipt. Crimes never pays, except sometimes.
* Can and John are homophones.
